you know the line from "A Few Good Men" when being cross examined by Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson yells ...."the truth, you couldn't handle the truth!"
well that's me.... can't (or more accurately don't want to) handle the truth. in my 50 something years.... i've had an ongoing struggle confronting the truth of my emotions, the truth of my feelings, and the truth in many of my relationships (especially with men).
i started this blog (as that cute little byline or whatever up there says) to have a place where i could speak freely about the inner thoughts of my heart...... but i overlooked one small detail. first i have to KNOW the TRUTH of what's going on in my heart...dah!
one of my recent means of avoidance, for dealing with stress and feeling homesick, has been to immerse myself in reading other peoples blogs....i think i just wanted to feel part of a "normal" life again. anyway its turned into a real learning experience on several levels.
even though i've had a "public" website (not this one) for almost 2 years...i am not very savvy when it comes to blogs, web pages, the Internet or even computers for that matter (my teenage son taught me most of what i know and now he's several continents away) so this is a whole new world.
i've been impressed with the raw honesty of so many men & women, and their willingness to pull back the facade most of us try to hide behind. i've also been reminded of a sermon andy stanley gave about a living a "truth quest" life (truth with yourself and before God).
all this has brought me to today...now. facing again my reluctance to tackle truth and living with the unhappy results. i believe Jesus when he said "the truth will set you free" and i soooo long for true freedom.
so....having been emboldened, believing Jesus and really not wanting to keep hiding- i've decided to start a truth quest today.
i'll start with what i've learned so far:
- there are no normal people...most of us are f *%#@!d up one way or another
- you can literally spend a whole day reading these things (blogs)
- some people are amazingly funny, witty and gifted
- some people are amazingly lame
- some people look a lot better with their cloths on
- everyone is struggling with life
- i have a problem being honest with myself
- i care way to much what other people think
- modern technology is incredible
- Japanese DO love taking pictures
- God can speak to us in ways we never imagined.....a burning bush, a donkey, Internet blogs
- i'm definitely experiencing some type of culture stress, depression and /or post traumatic stress
- keeping feelings repressed can be a good survival/ coping mechanism but only works for so long
- i don't know how i went from being a black sheep, prodigal daughter, Samaritan woman to being a missionary but becoming a missionary did't miraculously make all my "issues" disappear (another -dah!)!
- i probably need counselling
1 comment:
Aw, I had a long comment then but Blogger deleted it!
I wanted to say I love what you've learned. It's so true - some people do look better with their clothes on! ;-)
I hope that you find your inner voice through your blog and that it helps you to deal with the homesickness. I often find God through reading blogs and also blogging - sometimes I start something and it ends where I didn't expect. I hope you find Him through this.
I'm sorry you feel stressed and depressed. I pray you find a way to work through this time and out of it into a place of joy.
I love your description of yourself - black sheep to missionary. Sounds like you have an amazing story to tell there!
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